Deep Velasco backstories! Lorraine Maxwell smokes a dude! Terry Bruno! Churlish eats nothing but smooth white foods! Poor Adam has basically no idea who any of these people are, but we tighten our belts and do our best to break down this radically new SVU. Oh, and we're making Churlasco a thing.

What happens when you thrust SVU and The Mighty Ducks together? We found out, and it's NOT pretty. Along the way, The Great One is possibly impugned, Carisi outs himself as a Ducks stan with little understanding of causation, and open shots are grossly misrepresented.

A certain 1992 Documentas winner can't stop sexually assaulting young actresses which leads to one of their coats getting humped which leads inevitably to Liv getting into yet another hostage situation. Why, SVU, why? At least we'll always have the coat humper. This episode also feature the one and only acting credit in country star Miranda Lambert's résumé.

Strange things are afoot this week, as this SVU starts with an ex stalking his former flame from Rhode Island to the Big City and catfishes a rando into raping her via a rape fantasy website and then takes a wild left turn when the judge presiding over the case becomes convinced the perp is his son who was kidnapped when he was three years old. To make things even weirder, he enlists none other than Elliot Stabler to handle the investigation into this cold case. There are huge leaps and ghost babies in the concrete in this one. Prepare yourself.

In a conclusion to last week's installment of Law & Order: SVU following nearly a full year later, another rape victim turns up describing an attack an awful lot like our vics described in Part 1. This means Tracy Pollan is back, picking up where she left off, which was getting an Emmy nomination for playing this role. This doesn't yield a second one, but she still rocks in "Closure (Part 2)" and helps give this episode the titular want that last week's left us all wanting.

This week, we watched a Season 1 gem which, in spite of several characters not having names or jobs, was uncharacteristically grounded in the real world. SVU investigates a brutal home invasion rape where the victim is unable to correctly identify her assailant. Along the way, we see the genesis of Cassidenson, meet the wettest peeper in lower Manhattan, and learn about some brutal turn-of-the-century muffin murders. This one was so well received when it first aired that it earned its leading guest star, Tracy Pollan, an Emmy nomination, and led to an out of order Part 2, which we'll cover next week.

Special Guest Star(?) Erika Christensen swoops in from outer spa—er, the FBI to help the Unit find a gruesome serial killer and his likely next victim. Of course, nothing is as it seems and Lake and Benson have to try to figure out what all is amiss in an effort to find said victim. And obviously, the entire time you watch this episode, you wish that this Special Agent Cooper was a better-known Special Agent Cooper and that this one was not making mistakes that Dale Cooper would never make. The weirdness of this SVU also forces Josh and Adam to reckon with what might be the darkest Second Unit shoot in this show’s illustrious history, gets Adam looking into his urban foraging options in Central Park, and diving into the case of The Toy-Box Killer.

In a first for Munch My Benson, we are rewatching an episode of SVU we covered in the first 10 episodes of the show. How will the intervening years have affected our opinion of this classic, Munch meets girl-who-is-also-victim, Munch falls for girl, girl gets blown up by a psychotic fan who just wanted to see her happy face? We also get deep into 1999's East Timor news and wonder whether the mafia has fallen so low that they're pumping gas along the NJ Turnpike.

Recovery is not going smoothly for Rollins this week, as she is unwittingly dragged into an all-caps MESSY ménage à quatre that ends up making her look like a dupe. Could be worse, though, she could be the guy who does a post-head header off a rooftop. Things get messy, but this is a Rollinsisode, so that should be expected. Does that excuse her going for Nate with that awful hat, though. That's a hard no.

This week, SVU investigates the coldest of cold cases while dishing out hot servings of delicious Amanda Rollins fan-service content and heaping portions of Staten Island food. Rollisi come clean, Rolldhun never happens, and Benson meets two-time National League Cy Young Award winner, Jacob DeGrom.

Luscious Grape Distributors--yup, that's the name--seems like a truly awful place to work, if its depiction in SVU's Season 12 gem "Bully" is any indication. As a harrowing journey into abusive workplaces for the first two-thirds of its runtime, the ep succeeds on its own. Then? Well, then there's a turn so shocking, so inventive, and so ingenious that it had Adam and Josh wanting to do a five-season oral history on the making of this single episode of television. This one's got bad bosses, bad moms, and bad coworkers all packed into one delightfully disgusting package.

Two dipshit wannabe writers on an uptown depravity tour lead the detectives at SVU into a truly outlandish world populated by avenging sister-moms and serial-rapists-made-good who are pushed back into serial raping by the heavy-handed approach of Stabler & Co. Along the way we learn about cleaning fish, proper wine breathing etiquette, and whether or not Ricardo from the Java Barn is the right guy to ask for illicit hard drugs. This episode revels in the early season insanity. Does it make sense? Does it have to?

Imagine a world in which pilots were quasi-celebrities before having performed some heroic feat. No really imagine it. Then imagine a world where the heroic feat they perform to make them even more famous could only have happened because 9/11 must not have happened and a pilot could be left alone in a cockpit, locking the entire flight crew out while she erratically turns the plane around because she doesn't want to be trapped in the cockpit with her rapist. Then imagine that this is all occurring at an airline with a retrograde hypersexualized ad campaign that harks back to the ads for which Dick Wolf was responsible in his ad man days. Because this SVU does all that.

You'd think that an SVU centered around Scott Bakula tricking his mistress into putting their love child up for adoption would lend itself to hours of Quantum Leap conversation wondering just how Ziggy and Al let this whole situation get this out of hand, and that definitely happens, but so does a dive into a pretty heinous guest star, who lived through some gnarly trauma and then doled out plenty herself.

Just as important though, this episode emphatically chides parents who have the temerity to try to parent AND use their cell phones at the same time, and makes you wonder how more parents aren't clocking clear pedos at the park. If you ever wanted to know how to artificially inseminate your significant other in the comfort of your own home, Adam tries to tell you while Josh derails the conversation. And both Adam and Josh cry during this episode for very different reasons.

Wherein we meet a terrifyingly gross Greg Yates for the first time and are forced to dive deep into the One Chicago Universe. Along the way, we speculate about the lives we will live once we become avid Chicago Fire fans, whether or not it's worth your time smelling a cold pie, why it's sad when hardened cops can't unlock a Camry, and, of course, the answer to the question every Munchie will have upon watching this megasode: exactly how many times did Greg Yates cum during that trial?

Another SVU, another bizarre cult. This time around, a certifiable quack of the cloning-will-save-humankind-from-the-depleting-ozone-layer variety has an entire organization hornswoggling teen girls with low self-esteem into becoming his own personal baby factories. Don't worry, it's not just non-sexual sex cult action we're dealing with this time around. No, we've got police brandishing their weapons and running hilariously, accents that spin you around, and surprising restraint from a cult leader who seems much more interested in playing God than hide the salami. Of course, talk of claims of human cloning took Adam down a strange rabbit hole into the Raëlians, and there are some wildly unexpected revelations with regards to this week’s guest stars, so there’s a ton of munchy weirdness afoot this week.

Alt episode title this week? Her Mouth Is a Melting Pot.

In an episode Adam already covered on his guestisode of the These Are Their Stories Pod, we watched a preposterous reimagining of the various Michael Jackson sexual abuse allegations in which an uber-wealthy toy mogul lures children into his low-rent pirate-themed sex lair to dress them up in precious pajamas and have his way with them. Was it fun? Yes, absolutely. Did it feature enough lemur? Sadly, no.

This installment of SVU pits very recognizable teacher against an also recognizable student in a he-said-she-gonorrhea'd-me/she-said-he-raped-me exercise in who can we believe for the Unit and the audience. Sure, the teacher is Sabrina/Clarissa, but if we know anything about this show, it's hard to believe the potentially stuntcasted. And, yeah, the kid is basically known for playing quiet lunatics, but they can't both have done it, right? This one's fun AND strains credulity in all the best ways.

Sonny Carisi gets down and dirty with some pretty gnarly dudes in this week's SVU, which sends dearest Dominick undercover into a shelter populated by paroled sex offenders. One (or more?) of these parolees appears to be raping neighborhood women and the Unit has to figure out who's doing it before Carisi gets beaten to a pulp by meathead vigilantes. Luckily Michael Rapaport is around to save Carisi's bacon once, but is he the guy? This mostly effective episode leaves Carisi wondering aloud if maybe the sex offender registry is unfair when compared to say a murderer who gets out and doesn't have to tell a soul that they cut off someone's head with a dull machete.

What happens when a trusted pediatrician is found to have extra-medically milked many young boys urethras over the years? Well in SVU, he is brutally beaten to death by one of his former victims who himself was doubly victimized as his Pica led him to eat the lead paint off of cheap toy cars which permanently stunted his development and planted the seeds of his rage. Come for Alexandra Cabot's jaw dropping Season 10 return, stay for Kim Greylek's unceremonious act 2 poochie'ing, and go home with a delightfully detailed breakdown of what exactly blood alcohol content means and whether or not the arrogant rich guy could have blown a 2.2 and kept driving.